Life really is a rollercoaster ride.
Or perhaps it's just me. The internalized temperaments, the wild mood swings. As the gap between the high and the low increases, i feel myself moving closer to the abyss.
My career side is moving rather smoothly, which presents a gaping hole in other areas that haven't really been worked on.
Sometimes it feels like i'm banging against a stone wall. Each attempt is a risk, and when that risk manifests itself, a deeper hole is dug. Forcing myself to cut off, and keep cutting off to be functional, to be self-run.
But the high flying areas of my life, at work and my progress at ECI, on the other hand, really flips me into a high as i cruise my way up.
This kinda sucks.
All i need is just listening, presence and space to share, indulge and create, moments together. But the populace is disappointing.
Just not certain how long it will take before the enitre pile collapses.
The fragility of what lifes hold for us.
Internalization sucks. How i can't present myself otherwise because of the pre-conceived notions others have that doesn't allow me to be myself.
I'm starting to experience what it means to be in a place high up where people on the ground revere you such that it's almost impossible to be yourself.
I just wanna lose myself in the world of the unknown. To free and be free.
The disconnection lingers.
OrAnGeL was fuming at
8:37 PM
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These past couple of days have been really weird. Feels like deja vu as I think about the number of relational issues that keep popping up and forcing me to take a look at what relationships are all about, in different contexts and what makes it work. The problems that surface being in a relationship, and the problems that surface in not wanting to be in a relationship.
I had 4 consecutive conversations about relationships from sunday midnight all the way to mon 6pm. Nothing else. Of course that brought alot of revelations as well.
Conversation 1:
It all started out (the bringing up of relational issues) with a simple call with a client of mine. He set himself out to do an Act of Courage that will force him to re-examine connection to people, and what that is all about, how to make it work. Simply put, he spent his first week saying hello to randomly 5 people, and discovered that he puts in different kinds of energy into his hello depending on who he approaches, and that he has a tendency to approach people who are more friendly (duh).
But the point being, that a hello is not effective when you start running conversations based on your own frameworks of how a person would react to you when you make conclusions on what the person is like on the outlook. As a result, you put in more energy when that person whom you say hello to seems enthusiastic and makes you feel like saying hello because you are pretty sure there will be some form of reciprocation, whereas if the person you approach is unfriendly, the opposite will occur. Or mayb, you might not even want to approach them in the first place.
But what good use does the exercise put to you if not for the ability to approach people whom you find hardest to do so?
So he promptly took on another exercise that demands he says hello to 10 people in the second week, trying to approach people who looked unfriendlier and getting them to smile back as a result of your hello, or presence that you put across. What he observed was an ease in approaching the middle age group but problems with people around his younger age. And 1 particular incident stuck: Say hi to this lady who was puzzled by what he was doing, but when he persisted in smiling and sincerely wanting to connect, a smile finally showed up on her face.
Conclusion: If you wanna feel that deep connection with someone, put aside the conversations and thoughts you have about the other person, and just say hi and connect. Otherwise, it will just block the emotional connection you want to bring out when you intellectualize things - and every attempt you try to connect to someone else will most likely be unsuccessful.
Conversation 2:
This conversation between me and my friend went really deep and had a lot more impact than imagined.
Felt like a socratic dialogue.
Context: What makes a relationship work. Redefining relationship in your own terms.
Question: Why would you go into a relationship?
Answer: For security, assurance and a few more other factors.
In such a scenario, that is what causes a "relationship" to start off on the wrong foot. The coming together of 2 people is for the need of each other in certain areas, just like a demand and supply relationship. Expectations begin to set up and start to be imposed on each other when there's a need you expect your partner to fulfill in the manner that you want it.
At the start of a relationship, things start off light, everything is easy going as you enjoy yourselves with each other. But soon, you find that in that creation of familiarity with each other as you enjoy and create intense moments, there are unhidden agendas that you don't realize, where you start setting expectations and projecting onto one another the frameworks you want out of a relationship.
You find that the tolerance level you have of each other start to drop, when you start setting expectations for your partner to eventually fit you tightly like lock and key such that when it is not fulfilled, you get frustration because he/she is dearest to you and you expect him/her to understand and be able to provide what you need.
This is when the context of the relationship shifts to fulfilling your needs - precisely the intention that you started off with in the first place - that security and assurance you are looking for as you try to tie/own each other in the relationship and start imposing barriers and limits. But it impedes the progress of the relationship than to forward it at times.
Question: So what defines a relationship then?
Answer: About creating extraordinary/special/intense moments as you share what you have with your partner and as you create experiences together.
The moment other things creep in, the relationship shifts. And this is pretty much like the honeymoon period of a relationship. But with an intention shifted, the relationship goes a long way.
I remember watching this dance on TV before, how the dance couples moved seamlessly as one, connected in their every movement, emotion and expression. That entranced me. But one thought came to me:
Usually these couples are lovers, they fall in love because of the context that's created - the love for dance and their passion for it.
Question: Then if one day, that context disappears, does the relationship disappear and die off too?
Answer: Sadly, yes.
When you create a context around which your relationship exists, then when that context disappears, the basis for your relationship disappears. Just like how if you work together and hence got to know each other, it may be in the context of your work you fell in love, but suppose you shifted elsewhere from where your partner is at to work, then things changes and the relationship pretty much will end, just like how overseas relationships don't last.
Or rather, the failure to create alternate contexts doesn't allow the relationship to continue to exist and progress.
Question: So what then makes a relationship work?
Answer: I would say that answer lies in creating a passion in what each other does. The ability to be present to each other and being passionate over every single thing that your partner is involved in - the chinese proverb of ai4 wu1 ji2 wu1.
This passion comes in 2 levels. Level 1 - common passion. Level 2 - uncommon passion.
Common passion is the one that was mentioned previously - the context around which the relationship is formed.
When that common passion disappears or is no longer exciting, there has to be a surpassing of those limits to be passionate about what's uncommon to the 2 of you, so that no matter what, you really love each other for who you are, and keep evolving that relationship.
Then we flip to the other side of NOT HAVING A RELATIONSHIP.
This conversation also ties in with a fifth conversation i particularly had about relationships.
Question: Why do you not go into a relationship?
Answer: Most people would say - i'm alright being alone. It feels good, no obligations, no pain.
But is that a form of running away? Most of the time, the reasons why you do not go into a relationship is based upon painting the nice and good picture about not being in one. However, that also means you are avoiding the issues you normally face in a relationship. Only when you break through all the relational issues you normally have and then you decide to be alone, perhaps it is then fine. But that takes a whole lifetime.
On a flipside, some people might decide that they should work on themselves and get stablity. If they can't get it how to go into a relationship in the first place? While that is true, but it can easily become an excuse to not want to get into a relationship when things are stable, afraid to test your limits out in a relationship and realize that things are still not stable nor working.
Whether you're in a relationship or not, you're screwed.
But the better choice may be to be in one should you intentionally work on your relational issues along the way instead of running away. But yes, when you form more experiences in relationships, that's also when you get a hang of it and get breakthrus to deal with issues that you have.
OrAnGeL was fuming at
8:08 AM
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Tonight is a night of many meaningful conversations.
With my wave, a random taxi driver & my own dad.
Amazing how you can get so much out of 1 night, together with some fear and sadness with those realizations.
It's been some time since people in my wave took the time out to really sit down, talk and connect to each other, especially when most of us are busy with the different roles that we have taken on and diversified after LP ended. And i guess what i'm really grateful for is the instant connection that just happens, how easily the ice just breaks to moment we come together - and it has been 5 months since wave 6 finished LP.
As much as we were cliquish and stuck together in saying no or yes to those outside of our wave, which led many to think that we were united in not being aligned to the organization as a whole, but i guess it was a strength to be able to stand by each other and stand up for what we believed and trusted in each other as a wave. It is that kind of belief that allowed us to stand up for the wave or for each other when we were attacked in some way or another. This is something i felt most waves were not able to do, especially the current resident wave where leaders would preferred to be in the positions of other waves instead.
But it is also this strength in unity we had that allowed us to integrate well with the organization in sticking out in the beliefs of its future and doing our utmost to make Galt Valley materialize. Whether it was the cambodia trip or the processor training, it never fails to amaze me that half of the people in there came from wave 6 - how the essential bonds that we built in the past became mainstayers even now in the future.
Suddenly a food for thought of how we could pull stronger together just came to my mind.
On my way back home, it was kinda amazing how the mention that we were coaches could just cause the driver to pour out his entire life story out to me in just half an hour after i reached my place - the meaninglessness of his life and the pain of what he had been through just struck me and what my dad's life could possibly mean. That struck some fear in me, especially after what i heard my aunts and grandma say to me during CNY.
Never have i, in my entire life, heard of my aunts and grandma's love and concern for my dad. Everything was about practicality: the family was loud, rancous and was never about being lovey-dovey. But this CNY was different, perhaps because i have graduated and in their eyes, i have grown up.
My aunt voiced her concern out to me about the unhealthy lifestyle my dad led - the night shift driving that destroys ur biological clock, the excessive amount of smoking (given that my aunt smokes as well) that he is prone to these days, the amount of coffee and sweets he takes, and the non-existents meals that he ingests (Which i do see him eat at all). She sort of pleaded with me to take care of my dad and if possible, give him money so that he does not need to work.
It was really then i started to take a good look at my dad, and realized how i have not really been seeing him recently, the amount of weight he had lost, how bony he is looking - a shadow of his former self. It forced me to sharpen my clarity, of how he has been losing the meaning to his life and indulging in a habit of smoking that is his only avenue for escape. For a moment there was alot of fear, that he might end up leaving this world before my grandma.
There was this sudden urgency in me to worry about his life, and how do i ensure there are no regrets between him and my mum, given that my mum has a stubborn streak as i do and that doesn't help to reconcile things. Perhaps i'm imposing myself on him, but i think not.
A short conversation - one that makes one confronted - forced out what was really lying beneath--> his desire to reconcile with my mum, except the amount of resistance that is put up. I guess that was a meaning that he was looking for. It was such a confronting admission that he switched from gaming to watching tv in the short span of time.
What do i do next? To resolve a problem as age old as i am. To cause them to take the step of willingness to resolve this and patch up. That is a societal problem that our parents are trapped in, thinking that it is for the good of the children when we were young and not realizing that it is the children who are most aware of what is going on. Not knowing that it was causing pain not just to the two adults, but to the children and well. And that the decision to stay together for the children is not of something that is "no choice" but it was a choice of taking a non-choice, of choosing not to have a choice in the first place. The lack of this first realization that traps you in the first place.
Parents always think that they are doing it for the sake of their children, not seeing that the real truth is of their display of cowardice in not wanting to face the pain of negating what they have created, of destroying that want to see a beautiful picture painted out of this instead.
How ironic, and noble. Children are really just excuses that adults make use of in their maneuvers to get to where they want. And it is sad because that detracts you from the whole meaning of life, which just spiral downwards as all these becomes pointless is your pursuit of doing things for the good of everyone when that obviously brings the whole ship down together with you.
This is becoming a long rant. But ultimately it is something me and my brothers have to take responsibility in working this out: putting ourselves out of the equation so that it is really just between the 2 of them. As much as we could say we have not regrets, but to our parents who brought us to this world, that is something important to us as well, to see them being fulfilled before they pass on. And i definitely know that time is running short. If i don't run faster, it's not going to just be their regrets but mine as well.
Filial Piety. Sigh.
OrAnGeL was fuming at
4:55 AM
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I know what it meant to hold on to the people you bring into the work, but it is only right here right now that i understood what it meant to see someone once important in your life revert back to the place where there is no light, a place where life is petty, about the superfluous things that is not called life.
It is a kind of pain numbed over time, that lingers around even as everything moves on, as time waits for no one. The hurt and pain of being so alive when you know others around you are not, the anger at the stupidity of the world, of how they are blinded to the essence, the marrow and source of what makes one feel alive and live life to the fullest.
But hell. Life goes on, whatever decisions that each of us make.
Just another rant.
I guess i kind of know what the fuck am i doing here.
OrAnGeL was fuming at
1:45 AM
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It's amazing how time flies when you least expect it.
9 months have passed, just like that.
Well, 10 months in fact, but my mind still lingers in that 9 months frame.
Stepping in at the beginning was one of nonchalance.
Aloofness of not knowing anyone.
Of being away for more than a year.
And a horseriding camp that almost killed the entire show.
But the show didn't get culled.
On it went.
And in I went with it.
Challenges arise to cope with boredom.
Xmas Party. CSing.
The rise began.
And out came comfort in being self.
Managing C and being S.
Energies still scattered.
3 wandered off, lost forever.
Blank Cheque #1.
But onward we moved, steps getting heavier.
A quarter paid, a boot earned.
The start of the unforgettable.
For me at least.
Splitting halves and pitting against each other.
Group processes that integrated the scattered.
In that moment the show started.
Of ONE WAVE.
Expression. Beingness. Leading. Flow.
Pop. Out of the dream and downwards we went.
Eggs thrown. Numbers i don't remember.
But i know: 2 eggs were thrown and chances gone.
The show didn't end cuz off we ran with the booty.
Blank Cheque #2.
Cooked up a storm, yes a STORM.
PL Tests. Laughter.
Wave leader.
And no turning back.
1st quarter spent and onward we moved, with renewed vigour.
Discipline process - off balance it went.
Open up i tried.
It all ends with failures and breakdowns.
Quickly it changes, a wave coach i became.
All in the name of good fun.
GM. JEL.
POS. Fire. Compassion. Pain.
Changes abound.
2nd quarter paid.
Dreams came. Straight wires too.
We moved. BTW.
Screwups. Renovations. New office party.
Atlas Shrugged. Sighs. Incomplete. No shadows to watch.
2nd quarter spent.
We had to move on.
Scary though, how the start quickly ends.
One more quarter: To spend or not to spend?
That's the question.
No, it will be spent anyway.
Time doesn't stop with your decision.
Time never stays, but it never really goes either.
Ironically.
Shifts were obvious.
But it had to hold. Nonetheless.
Spirit and essence were gone before the end.
Some thought the end just didn't come fast enough.
Some didn't want it to end.
Some were still unaware.
Trudging along, steps heavier.
In a flash, impulsively we paid the 3rd.
Strategy. Warcraft?
And came the koan.
Lingered the wkend.
Conscious dinner. Booty. AGAIN?
Screwed. Almost.
THE END.
Incomplete?????? Yes.
Got it. Sure not.
Frames of 9 months.
Get it?
The deeper you go, the more you get.
Double in fact, it turns and bite.
Both the good and bad.
That's why it's called BALANCE.
Ironically.
It's hard. So DAMN hard.
In the end they all mean nothing.
In the dust of time.
Memories fade.... (Do they really?)
And all that's left is NOW and AFTER.
You think so?
MEMORIES exist as CUTs.
Serving the reminder of time.
Of past.
Overwhelming it is.
But move on, yes move on.
When will it ever go???
Think again.
OrAnGeL was fuming at
12:41 AM
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Half a year has passed since the last entry.
During this period, a friendship painstaking forged in France soured towards the end of June, whilst this term had been pretty uneventful in adjusting back to the hectic demands of the rat race.
A long-term r/s has also ended, with relief perhaps. Carrying someone else's baggage can really weigh one down.
It felt like a period of lost consciousness, a kite gone astray.
But also gladness as a buddy held on tightly, providing unconditional support in bringing back consciousness.
My world has expanded greatly, a new-found purpose in life beckons.
What comes after money, personal success? I've found my answer.
Together are 16 other diverse individuals whom i know would brave whatever untold danger and difficult times that lies ahead. In the next 9 months and in this lifetime, and perhaps eternity. A bond unbreakable by our code of honor, a bond close to our hearts.
I can finally learn to connect to people at a deeper level, and found a deeper meaning to life with life coaching. Discovered my crave for solitude, for freedom, for intimacy.
The person who i will mark as my equal, worthy of what lies beneath would be a function of time, and luck.
Expanding in different dimensions, no more significance than a speck of dust, how will i find my place in the world? A place that is my own, and not of others.
What lies ahead are obstacles, visible and invisible to the naked eye, to the naked heart. But having pledged to go on this journey, the only comfort lies in watching my progress from day 1.
Unsure of the breakdowns that will strike at random, and painful that might be, would be the only way to grow, to reach my goals with greater certainty.
But i'm excited.
OrAnGeL was fuming at
10:08 PM
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Man, it's exam time! The past 3 weeks have been a real killer, with so many projects due at the same time and a last minute final project for e-business that constitute 100% of our final grade due within 1 week, as well as 2 exams on 5 & 7 june, with a full day class on the 6th...what a way to spend ur bdae...grr! And the first half of last week was just spent doing my proj for logistics for 2 days straight, and financial engineering for the whole of the third day, sleeping only at 6am and waking up at 8am for presentation...WTH! Just when i thot SMU was mad cuz everything was due at the last min, ESSEC is even more shocking, sometimes even aiming to kill us! haha...could finally breathe a sigh of relief last thurs after the last lesson of the term... Anyhow, i'm still behind on updating my blog..cuz whatever i'm blogging rite now is gg to be from end of last month...:(
Summer in Paris is weird as well as disgusting. You see flies moving around in groups all the time, and if you don't avoid them, they'll just fly into you and get stuck on your clothes...not only do they not have a sense of direction, but their reaction is super slow..just one swat and they'll all be exterminated! But the thing is that there's so many of them around that looking at their numbers just makes your hair stand on its ends...Also, the sun only sets at 10pm and rises at 6am...so it's bright all the time. THough the day is longer, but it's tiring cuz you can't really go to bed when it's so bright at night, and the sun rises so early in the morning that there's no choice but to wake early too...
I'll be kinda relieved when i leave paris i guess..hope there are not too many flies in italy or spain...but guess will miss the memories and gd times here...but i'll ponder about it on thurs, when i finish my final exams!
Right, now here are more pics from a party in sch as well as the belgium trip:
This was the last party of the term at ESSEC, 24th may...Seems pretty early for a last party huh...when the term only ends a month later...but whatever, we just went for some relaxation. Above is a pic of me and mic with the geopolitics prof, Mr Nestorovic. Quite a funky guy, hardly see a prof who would hang out with students in the sch bar, Foy's...He's extremely knowlegeable as well...he knows stuff that you've never ever heard of...cheerios to the prof who changed our perspective immensely in terms of politics, human rights etc...SMU should consider employing him...
More international students: Kaixin, me, mic, ann and david..
Went to brugges in belgium next day after the party, it was about 9pm when we arrived, but see how it seems only like 6pm? This pic was taken on our way to the hostel...
Supposed to be one of the 14 famous hostels in europe...but i don't find it that great...mayb it's the bar that they have downstairs that's popular...their breakfast variety suck though..
Markt Square...the busiest gathering places in brugges, feels abit like Dam square in amsterdam though...but the buildings here are much more picturesque...don't ya think?
Belfry tower...another landmark in Brugges with one of the oldest clock tower and 300 odd steps to reach to the top...din go for that cuz you need to pay to go up...plus i'm sick of views of the top! The square within the tower looks pretty gd enough though... 
The postal office i think...horse-drawn carriages are a common feature in belgium, a form of transport for those staying in 5 star hotels...u see the horses peeing and shitting all over the place though...euh..
THis building is pretty nice, but i can't remember what it is... 
One of the chocolatiers in Brugge...think it's Truffle Huis...All their chocs are extremely innovative and interesting...just look at this and you will see: breasts wearing bras...looks pretty authentic huh...
A chocolatier that specializes only in truffles...loved their chocs but too bad i only bot 1 box...their prices are pretty ex compared to the other shops... 
This is the place where you will fall in love with beer...whether you were a beer fan or not. The beers are all flavored, ranging from cherry beer to raspberry, peach, banana, apples, chocolate, pineapple beers etc...Really an eye-opening sight...They sell all types of beer that you've ever seen...
In the bottle shop...
Bought like 12 bottles of beer in total...
Bought the fries in meat sauce and bicky burger from this stand outside Belfry tower...Quite a nice experience to eat standing beside the stand, but too bad it was rainy then...and i prefer the beef chilli cheese fries from Carl's Junior...
Till next time :)
OrAnGeL was fuming at
3:08 AM
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