~MaStEr Of YoUr OwN dEsTiNy~

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Life really is a rollercoaster ride.

Or perhaps it's just me. The internalized temperaments, the wild mood swings. As the gap between the high and the low increases, i feel myself moving closer to the abyss.

My career side is moving rather smoothly, which presents a gaping hole in other areas that haven't really been worked on.

Sometimes it feels like i'm banging against a stone wall. Each attempt is a risk, and when that risk manifests itself, a deeper hole is dug. Forcing myself to cut off, and keep cutting off to be functional, to be self-run.

But the high flying areas of my life, at work and my progress at ECI, on the other hand, really flips me into a high as i cruise my way up.

This kinda sucks.

All i need is just listening, presence and space to share, indulge and create, moments together. But the populace is disappointing.

Just not certain how long it will take before the enitre pile collapses.

The fragility of what lifes hold for us.

Internalization sucks. How i can't present myself otherwise because of the pre-conceived notions others have that doesn't allow me to be myself.

I'm starting to experience what it means to be in a place high up where people on the ground revere you such that it's almost impossible to be yourself.

I just wanna lose myself in the world of the unknown. To free and be free.

The disconnection lingers.

OrAnGeL was fuming at
8:37 PM

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Tuesday, May 05, 2009

These past couple of days have been really weird. Feels like deja vu as I think about the number of relational issues that keep popping up and forcing me to take a look at what relationships are all about, in different contexts and what makes it work. The problems that surface being in a relationship, and the problems that surface in not wanting to be in a relationship.

I had 4 consecutive conversations about relationships from sunday midnight all the way to mon 6pm. Nothing else. Of course that brought alot of revelations as well.

Conversation 1:
It all started out (the bringing up of relational issues) with a simple call with a client of mine. He set himself out to do an Act of Courage that will force him to re-examine connection to people, and what that is all about, how to make it work. Simply put, he spent his first week saying hello to randomly 5 people, and discovered that he puts in different kinds of energy into his hello depending on who he approaches, and that he has a tendency to approach people who are more friendly (duh).

But the point being, that a hello is not effective when you start running conversations based on your own frameworks of how a person would react to you when you make conclusions on what the person is like on the outlook. As a result, you put in more energy when that person whom you say hello to seems enthusiastic and makes you feel like saying hello because you are pretty sure there will be some form of reciprocation, whereas if the person you approach is unfriendly, the opposite will occur. Or mayb, you might not even want to approach them in the first place.

But what good use does the exercise put to you if not for the ability to approach people whom you find hardest to do so?

So he promptly took on another exercise that demands he says hello to 10 people in the second week, trying to approach people who looked unfriendlier and getting them to smile back as a result of your hello, or presence that you put across. What he observed was an ease in approaching the middle age group but problems with people around his younger age. And 1 particular incident stuck: Say hi to this lady who was puzzled by what he was doing, but when he persisted in smiling and sincerely wanting to connect, a smile finally showed up on her face.

Conclusion: If you wanna feel that deep connection with someone, put aside the conversations and thoughts you have about the other person, and just say hi and connect. Otherwise, it will just block the emotional connection you want to bring out when you intellectualize things - and every attempt you try to connect to someone else will most likely be unsuccessful.

Conversation 2:
This conversation between me and my friend went really deep and had a lot more impact than imagined.

Felt like a socratic dialogue.

Context: What makes a relationship work. Redefining relationship in your own terms.

Question: Why would you go into a relationship?

Answer: For security, assurance and a few more other factors.

In such a scenario, that is what causes a "relationship" to start off on the wrong foot. The coming together of 2 people is for the need of each other in certain areas, just like a demand and supply relationship. Expectations begin to set up and start to be imposed on each other when there's a need you expect your partner to fulfill in the manner that you want it.

At the start of a relationship, things start off light, everything is easy going as you enjoy yourselves with each other. But soon, you find that in that creation of familiarity with each other as you enjoy and create intense moments, there are unhidden agendas that you don't realize, where you start setting expectations and projecting onto one another the frameworks you want out of a relationship.

You find that the tolerance level you have of each other start to drop, when you start setting expectations for your partner to eventually fit you tightly like lock and key such that when it is not fulfilled, you get frustration because he/she is dearest to you and you expect him/her to understand and be able to provide what you need.

This is when the context of the relationship shifts to fulfilling your needs - precisely the intention that you started off with in the first place - that security and assurance you are looking for as you try to tie/own each other in the relationship and start imposing barriers and limits. But it impedes the progress of the relationship than to forward it at times.

Question: So what defines a relationship then?

Answer: About creating extraordinary/special/intense moments as you share what you have with your partner and as you create experiences together.

The moment other things creep in, the relationship shifts. And this is pretty much like the honeymoon period of a relationship. But with an intention shifted, the relationship goes a long way.

I remember watching this dance on TV before, how the dance couples moved seamlessly as one, connected in their every movement, emotion and expression. That entranced me. But one thought came to me:

Usually these couples are lovers, they fall in love because of the context that's created - the love for dance and their passion for it.

Question: Then if one day, that context disappears, does the relationship disappear and die off too?

Answer: Sadly, yes.

When you create a context around which your relationship exists, then when that context disappears, the basis for your relationship disappears. Just like how if you work together and hence got to know each other, it may be in the context of your work you fell in love, but suppose you shifted elsewhere from where your partner is at to work, then things changes and the relationship pretty much will end, just like how overseas relationships don't last.

Or rather, the failure to create alternate contexts doesn't allow the relationship to continue to exist and progress.

Question: So what then makes a relationship work?

Answer: I would say that answer lies in creating a passion in what each other does. The ability to be present to each other and being passionate over every single thing that your partner is involved in - the chinese proverb of ai4 wu1 ji2 wu1.

This passion comes in 2 levels. Level 1 - common passion. Level 2 - uncommon passion.

Common passion is the one that was mentioned previously - the context around which the relationship is formed.

When that common passion disappears or is no longer exciting, there has to be a surpassing of those limits to be passionate about what's uncommon to the 2 of you, so that no matter what, you really love each other for who you are, and keep evolving that relationship.

Then we flip to the other side of NOT HAVING A RELATIONSHIP.

This conversation also ties in with a fifth conversation i particularly had about relationships.

Question: Why do you not go into a relationship?

Answer: Most people would say - i'm alright being alone. It feels good, no obligations, no pain.

But is that a form of running away? Most of the time, the reasons why you do not go into a relationship is based upon painting the nice and good picture about not being in one. However, that also means you are avoiding the issues you normally face in a relationship. Only when you break through all the relational issues you normally have and then you decide to be alone, perhaps it is then fine. But that takes a whole lifetime.

On a flipside, some people might decide that they should work on themselves and get stablity. If they can't get it how to go into a relationship in the first place? While that is true, but it can easily become an excuse to not want to get into a relationship when things are stable, afraid to test your limits out in a relationship and realize that things are still not stable nor working.

Whether you're in a relationship or not, you're screwed.

But the better choice may be to be in one should you intentionally work on your relational issues along the way instead of running away. But yes, when you form more experiences in relationships, that's also when you get a hang of it and get breakthrus to deal with issues that you have.

OrAnGeL was fuming at
8:08 AM

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Saturday, May 09, 2009

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

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